This Just In

Woman Knits Lace Shawl, Survives to Tell Tale

Dateline Fairview, Oregon:

A woman known locally only as "That Strange Lady With all the Yarn" was found this morning in her suburban home, crumpled in the corner of an upstairs room.  Officials arrived on the scene after an anonymous tip reported muffled sobs coming from inside the house. 

When traditional methods failed to revive the woman, an alert paramedic was able to bring her back to consciousness by holding a skein of cashmere under her nose.

"We see all kinds in this business," noted the hero, "You hate to have to bring out the heavy artillery like that, but it's all worth it when somebody who's helpless can be brought back from the brink." 

Fortunately for the Fairview knitter, the paramedic had recently learned cutting-edge Wool-Coma Revival techniques.  Cashmere administration, in addition to other life-saving skills are taught to EMT personnel in training for the Fiber Intervention Task Force.  It's all in a day's work for the F.I.T.F.  In addition to Wool Coma, the F.I.T.F. routinely intervene in cases such as Mohair Huffing, Alpaca Frenzies, and once stepped in when a fiber fiend was caught trying to mainline Angora yarn.  "You wouldn't believe the tangling," he remembered of the case.

When asked what event had lain her low, the Lady With all the Yarn's only reply was to whimper softly and motion to the other side of the room, where what could only be described as a handkint lace shawl was ritualistically pinned to the floor:

On closer inspection, officials at the scene were able to piece together an all-night knitting/washing/blocking scenario gone terribly wrong.  "We see it all the time," said one officer. "These knitters think they can handle themselves; that they know what they're doing; but in the end something goes wrong and they are in over their heads before they even know it."

"We hate to see this kind of debauchery going on secretly in a community like this," observed an onlooker.  "She didn't seem like the type.  You know; quiet, kept to her herself - not the sort who would be carrying on like that behind closed doors."  

Once sufficiently revived, the woman confirmed suspicions of a late night shawl-making marathon that got out of hand.  "I thought I could handle it." stated the woman. "I kept thinking, just one more repeat, and then I can bind it off and block it.  Somewhere around the middle of the night, I guess I just lost my senses.  The last thing I remember was trying to score some blocking wires - you know - you just need one more to get that big Completion Buzz.  It all seemed innocent enough, but I guess was courting disaster."

Officials did not comment on whether charges will be leveled, but the alleged shawl knitter considers herself lucky to have been saved from her coma.  "I'm just so lucky to be here." she said weakly.  "So very, very lucky."

Film at eleven.