Wardrobe Malfunction

This is a swell new pile of handpainted superwash merino.  It comes from here and here, courtesy of my LYS.  It turns out that I have to go on TV sporting something handknitted, and I haven't got a thing to wear.  Here are the rules for what must be worn on a TV show about knitting:

1.  Wear something in the style you will be demonstrating
2.  No loud colors
3.  Nothing in Black, White, or Red
4.  No high necks
5.  Nothing that opens down the front, because it could gap
6.  Something that opens down the front, because you have to wear a microphone
7.  No short sleeves
8.  Nothing that is hot

Those are just a few of the guidelines, and I have received them more than once.  The TV people are neither kidding, nor interested in the fact that all of their rules contradict one another.  1 and 2, for instance, are diametrically opposed, if I'm the person wearing it.  Everything I own falls under number 3.  5 and 6 cancel each other out, and 7 & 8 are just plain silly.

So I wracked my brain and came up with my best solution:  A wrap-style vest, with a jewel-toned blouse underneath.  And I am exhausted from the effort of thinking it up before I've even begun.  Naturally, I have less than two weeks to complete it.  It's gonna take a time-space-continuum knitting miracle, plus blood sacrifice to the Knitting Gods.  What could possibly go wrong?

I think I need new shoes, too.